So, yesterday I hopped on my bike and had Cash next to me. Five seconds into the ride I had these vivid images of Cash colliding with me on my bike – I break his spine and crack my skull… no one is happy. This image will not leave me for the entire 15 minute ride. I’m convinced that he’s looking at my bike just thinking “I’m going to get over there on that side and if it means going through this big metal thing… so be it!” Of course, Cash was fine, he was happy to be running and that was it. I played worse-case-scenario with myself and nearly went crazy. I came home yelling about how dangerous it was and vowing to never do it again.

Tonight I’m getting ready for the nightly walk ritual when Allen asks, “Are you going out on the bike?” — “NO! Remember last night? It was awful! He’s going to get hurt!!” — “Are you worried about Cash or yourself… cause Cash doesn’t want to get hurt, you know? He just wants to run along in a straight line.” — “Myself… I’m not so good on the bike.” After Allen coached me through and gave me a pep talk, I got back on the bike with trusty dog at my side. Tonight… not so bad. I still had slight visions of doom but all in all, I think it went okay and maybe… just maybe this is something I can keep incorporating. Nothing tires an energetic dog out more than a bike ride – just think of what it does to lazy dog Cash!

Update: There has not been any more peeing on my leg. He still doesn’t want to pee on the small piece of grass. I have found one thing to get me out of the house on a weekly basis! I’m not yet prepared to share what it is – so you’ll just have to wonder for a while. However, this one thing isn’t enough. I’m working on finding a second, more legitimate, thing to get me out of the house.

Also… thank you to all of you for your supportive comments and suggestions. You make me feel a little more connected and I can’t wait till I can see ya’ll again.

Life has been better since my inagural sad post some time ago. There’s been a lot of traveling and talking to folks. I’ve come to a few conclusions… 1) enough pouting 2) time to do something about the pouting 3) nothing is worth this much pouting. SO! Here are the good things of lately:

• I just got back from a lovely wedding in Dallas where I got to see a very good friend get married to the man of her dreams. Oh… and the booze was free and flowing. It was rather extravagant and I had a racously good time.
• Before the wedding, I was in Newark for a conference. I left this conference so energized that over the weekend I began to work on a project that is not due until November. No no, I’m not an over-achiever. I’m just easily excited.
• I went out and hung out with PEOPLE! In KANSAS! Allen and I went to a caving meeting in Kansas City. you heard me right… caving. As in crawling around with a hard hat, head lamp, caving suit, and boots. Discovering blind salamanders and fish. Getting dirty, wet and cold. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m so very very excited. Then, after the meeting we all went out for pizza. Cavers are a quirky group, most definitely… but hey, I’m pretty darn quirky.
• My cheerful self is perking up and I’m ready to have a better outlook on Lawrence. This week I commit to finding an organization/job/volunteer opportunity/etc. that I can be a part of. Hold me to it… I need the accountability.

And now a disgusting and semi-funny story…

Cash is not adjusting well to the tiny piece of grass he is forced to pee on outside of the apartment. He has decided he’d rather hold it all in than pee in the same place he’s peed on before. So, today we were playing fetch in the house and he got a litttttttttle to excited and peed on my leg. That’s right. My grown dog peed on my leg because he doesn’t want to pee on a tiny piece of grass. I’m not really quite sure how to resolve this problem… other than taking him on a walk every time I let him outside. But, let’s face it – I’m lazy.

Time to go and watch Star Wars IV: A New Hope. Last week I let it leak out that I’d never seen the original Star Wars movies and Allen was extremely disturbed about it – all because I didn’t know what the death star was. So now I’m being subjected to all 3 original movies (not all tonight) even though I’ve told him many times that I do not want to watch them. I think he’s looking at it like some kind of cultural education I’ve missed out on. The things you do for those you love…

Allen walked in the house, said hello, gave me a kiss, and commented on how tasty dinner smelled. This alone was enough to make my lip tremble. As I always do when I don’t want him to see me acting a fool, I turned away to stir the stew I had made. “How was your day, Sweetie?” Shakily I got out, “Okay.” “You don’t sound okay. What happened?” “Nothing happened.” Then he gave me a big hug and I could no longer control the tears – though I certainly tried. “Maybe you’ll tell me about it later?” Then I got it… he didn’t. He thought I was withholding information on some terrible event in my day that had pushed me to tears. With my voice raised, tears streaming, “NOTHING HAPPENED. That’s the problem!” The lightbulb flashed on above his head. The tears grew worse, now accompanied by a runny nose that never fails to start up when I cry. “I miss home. I’m happy we’re here… I am…” I don’t really have to tell you how unconvincing I sounded.

Allen tried to calm me for the next half an hour. I feel so silly about this whole thing. I shouldn’t be this upset. I didn’t expect to be this upset. The sadness didn’t fully creep in until yesterday – then it multiplied by about 23 today. I haven’t traveled for the past 11 days so I’ve had plenty of time to be at home and… be at home. My social personality is starting to lose its grip on reality.

So, what did I do to make myself feel better? Went to Target, of course, under the ruse of needing batteries and saline solution (which we did need!). I came back with those items plus a hobo bag that I justified by my need for a new laptop/work bag and a pair of adorable mary janes of the robin’s egg blue variety. Oh, they are ADORABLE.

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To curb the spending, I need to find a new outlet. I have a few ideas… running or knitting group, volunteering, etc. I just need to get out there and do it. Stop traveling so that I can do those things consistently. Until then I’m going to try and mope less.

Tomorrow has to be a better day… not because I want it to be, not because I believe it will be. It has to be.